12.31.15

Happy New Years Eve! I have a feeling this is going to be a long post so grab a snack! Haha or if you just want the usual Holden updates come back on the next post because for some this may be a little too much information. But as the New Year is among us I am doing what most of us do, reflect on the past year. And lets be honest I have a lot to reflect on. 

2015 was an emotional and challenging year for Jess and I. We got the biggest blessing, Mr. Holden Gray but also our strength was tested over and over again. There are many things I will take to the New Year with me and many I wouldn't mind leaving in 2015.

Our 2015 started out with a lot of excitement. We decided we were ready to start a family and were able to do so right away. I ALWAYS wanted an October baby so imagine my excitement when we went in and our due date was October 4th. I was thrilled. I was even more thrilled when Holden was hitting all his mile stones as he should. I felt him move right when they said I would, things were happening right on track as they were supposed to. We were so excited! Jess was beyond thrilled to be having a boy to do all things boy with. It was an exciting time! 

I wanted to do everything in my power to make sure Holden was a happy and healthy baby. So I started taking prenatals 3 months before we started to try to get pregnant. I quit soda, was VERY careful about what I ate, I even wore a mask while painting his nursery. Unfortunately, I have blocked out the majority of my pregnancy. I think part of it is normal and part of it was the fact that when Holden was born, not moving or breathing everyone's question was "did he move a lot?" I had no idea how to answer and I hated that question. He moved. He moved everyday. I was never concerned if he was okay in there because I felt him everyday. Also, with this being my first pregnancy I had nothing to compare it to. So to my knowledge Holden moved. 

Our Doctor was going out of town for UEA on the 8th of October and if I didn't have him naturally by then I would have to wait until the following week. Which I was not about to do. I was over it and wanted him out! So he induced us on the 4th! (Which is a decision I will never regret. I was so happy to have our doctor there!) I was beyond nervous! The whole giving birth thing scared me! But I was ready to meet our little man! 

We got there bright and early! Everything was fine. Got my epidural. But nothing would have prepared us what would happen next. When they had the heart rate monitor hooked up to him there was no variability but his heart rate was strong so they weren't worried. But we were. I think we knew something was wrong. It was something they hadn't seen before. (a term we got very used to very quick) Our Doctor showed up around 5:00 and said it was time to start pushing. I started pushing around 5:20 and an hour later we had Holden.

Scariest moment of our lives. He came out an odd color, quiet, and limp. Dr. Barney told them to take him right away and Jess went with. I was in shock. What the hell just happened? They brought Holden by me so I could see him before they took him to the ICU. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen! and his skin was so so soft. Jess went with to see what was going on as I stayed in the room. 

The next bit was a blur. They told me I had to wait before I could go see him. Then Doctors, Family, everyone coming in. Said something was seriously wrong and thought he was having seizures (he wasn't) so he needed to be life flighted to Primary Childrens right away. I was moved to my room and both our families came in and it finally hit me. I couldn't get a grip. They brought him in before he was sent up. I went to touch him and he pulled away. My child who they say didn't move just pulled away from me? Typical Holden. I was then too scared to touch him so I went back to bed and signed the consent forms and he was off. 

Holdy a couple hours old right before he was life flighted. 

I tried to get Jess to go fly with him. I didn't want him to be alone. But he didn't he told me he wanted to stay with me. Which I will be forever grateful for because that was one of the hardest nights of my life. My doctor got there at 8 am to release me. He told us he spent the night before going over the chart and his ultra sounds to see if there was something he missed. There wasn't. He is a very good Doctor and an even better man. I got my prescriptions and we were on our way up to Primarys. 

To be honest the next month was a blur. We started with they thought he was brain dead. But the MRI came back normal. They would say horrible things to us like "Hold him while you can." They thought he had SMA. If you don't know what SMA is be glad. It is a horrible genetic disorder where he would have had a life expectancy of 2 months. We went a couple of days thinking that was what he had. Worst days of my life. I cried and cried and cried. I cried when I saw him, I cried when I was away. I was a wreck. But Jess wasn't. Jess kept telling me everything was fine and he didn't think that was what Holden had. He keeps me sane. 

Eventually we got the results back. We were sitting by the bed, I was crying, and our neonatologist came up to us and said asked "How are you?" a question I hated. Then said "So he doesn't have SMA." We were shocked! We kept asking are you sure? She then said she was pretty sure but she would double check. She was right! It was a huge relief! But we didn't have answers. They said they were then going to go ahead with the genetic testing. He was the first to have it in the NICU and we received it in 5 days. Which is unheard of! Most testing takes at least 6 months. I am so grateful we were able to get that test done. 

This was when he was a day old. He had frog legs, his feet were up to his shins, and he couldn't open his hands very well. 

When we had our meeting discussing the results, Congenital Myasthena Syndrome, they talked about that he would need a trach and a g-tube. At this point I could handle anything as long as we had him! We did have a doctor in the meeting that was being a huge negative nancy. Saying that if we didn't want that life for him or us we could just take him off support and they wouldn't judge us. I think Jess wanted to seriously punch him! But then they also told us there was medicine! What? They had a medicine that could help him move and breathe? This was amazing! They were going to give him a very small dose the very next day! They told us we could be there for it but there were also risks involved so they had all emergency staff there just in case. I would hard pass and hear about it later. 

They said it was amazing! They gave him the medicine and he woke up looked around and started moving. This was a very very small dose! We were stoked! Over time they kept increasing it until he maxed out. They also added medicine and took some away. It was amazing to see the change. He would wiggle and be awake more. He was breathing more on his own. How lucky were we. We had a diagnosis and a treatment! But the doctors have made it very clear they don't know what to expect. This is a very rare condition and hardly any other cases of it to compare to. So we are kind of on our own. 

Here is what I know about Holden and his condition. He makes improvements every day. He is becoming more interactive, stronger and can move more. Honestly? That's all I need to know. I don't care about their guesses about what his life will be like or any other nonsense. They haven't been right yet. Plus Holden is showing us he can do new things all the time and that's all I care about. We are taking this day by day and today I would like Holden to pass each and every home vent trial. The rest is just background noise.

So this is what I am leaving in 2015. The heart ache I felt. Literally the ache in your heart when you hear or feel something so terrible that it gives you physical pain in your heart. I am leaving any and all negativity related to my son and our experience thus far.There is no room for it in our future. But, here is what I will take with us, Mr. Holden Gray. The most important thing. The only thing that matters. I get to take Holden with us into 2016!! 

2016 will be our year I just know it! I don't have many goals or resolutions for the coming year. I want to be better about taking things as they come, day by day. So here are my current goals the obvious one, GET HOLDEN HOME! A goal that is very obtainable for 2016 I think. And most importantly, Keep him healthy! Our goals as a family is to stay strong together! Our schedules and lives this last year has been turned upside down and messed up me and jess' schedules. We don't have a lot of time together and when we do we are exhausted. But I am grateful that I have him through this and we can get through anything together. He is my strength. and I love him for it. 

This year we have learned a lot and met some amazing people!

People are good and so is modern medicine! 

I hope you all have a happy and most importantly a HEALTHY New Year! 

P.S. Holden is up to 2 hours twice a day on the home vent! We are on our way!